I really want to drop out of school more than ever. I want to drop out so that I can stop depending on you like a cane. A cane that doesn’t care. A cane that I’d love nothing more than to snap into two and find cold refreshing relief. I want to drop into a black hole and find calm in the darkness and nothingness. It’s an underrated joy to be unseen and unknown. I would rather put myself in a trap of my own than be a victim of consequence. I followed the rhythm of my heart that led me to you, believing that even though every thing told me to stop and turn around, I didn’t. But oh how the heart betrays now. Thinking I’d find acceptance, I found a deeper pit of insecurity. I’m mangled up. Now unsure of my own anatomy, how do I fix, stop the bleeders and put back what was once a person?
Or do I just wait and call time of death?
I think I’m gonna jot this all down even though I hardly use the net as a personal private space for thought but it’s just somewhere I can archive. For now. I guess.
After weeks of having internal struggles with myself about coming back (three weeks) early from SEP and being chided as a result of not “maximising the full time I’m in Europe” has brought me to a conclusion: It’s honestly my SEP and everyone should fucking stop making me feel bad about my decisions.
Most exchangers do come to experience Europe fully, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong per se about that agenda. Sure, it’s Europe, you should see it. But I thought SEP was more than that. I thought the experience of SEP was to understand/ find yourself, learning and coping to live alone or in difficult situations, cooking your meals, washing your laundry etc. I guess those were the underrated parts.
If you asked me now, (and I get this a lot as a result of coming home early,) ‘WHY DID YOU COME ON SEP THEN?’ I honestly didn’t know. Unlike most, I didn’t have a list or quota of countries I wanted to hit before coming home. I didn’t read ThoughtCatalogue’s “10 places you simply have to visit before you die”. (No I made that up, please don’t google.) I simply wanted to experience an European lifestyle and how that is different from Singapore (and partially not work hard haha). Also, I thought it’d be really fun if I had went with friends I already knew. Well that didn’t happen but for the rest, goal achieved!
I honestly maybe had no expectations at all. Except that I was gonna go with the flow and see where it took me. But right now on SEP, I can say that it probably is one of the most stressful things I am undertaking and it hasn’t made me very happy some of the time. I feel like I’m having trouble living in and enjoying the present as I’m always planning for the future weekends so as to “not waste it”. Everything is a mad scramble to “not waste time”. But fuck it, I am wasting time if I’m being so unhappy.
So to really end off what I’m saying, I hate the competition of “seeing all the places I have to see” before I come home. You know what, I’m not that broke, it won’t be my last visit and I’ll be back so suck it. And I’d prefer coming back with friends and family because travelling with the people you love, really makes all kinds of vacations memorable and worth it. Well, it’s easier said than done to ignore all the criticism around me but I’m gonna try.
Two months till Sam comes and I’m not sorry at all that that will be the best part ever.
when u havent done ur homework but the teacher goes through the answers with the class